Memory Lapse
Honesty, for the past 3 weeks, everything that could go wrong, did. From relationship problems, financial problems, car problems, kid problems (not really, but ok), it just seemed like my life was spinning out of control. During this time, I had deadlines to meet. I thought my organized plan was fool proof. I was good. I didn't even feel the normal feelings of anxiety that I feel when I'm trying to accomplish something important. I felt like I was in the perfect calm spin cycle. Everything was coming together. I'm used to multi-tasking, so having several things to do was a small thing for me. My heart tilted back in a direction that was uncertain, but comfortable, so I was even good with that. My future plans seemed like they were slowly but surely coming into fruition. I've never proclaimed to have a perfect life, but for the first time in a long time, the waters were comfortably calm. I wasn't praying. I wasn't studying the word. I still loved God of course, but I felt like, for a moment, the sense of "I got this". Nothing about my life was hard. The end of October did a twist of faith on me. I went to sleep one night and woke up in a whirlwind. The "then" and "but" hit me so hard, I felt like I was in a war zone. One problem after another, the attacks kept coming and at this point, there was nothing that I could do. I know better, because I know my life. I do understand the calm before the storm, but I was so focused on the plan that the prayer became irrelevant. God has a funny way of showing me ME. I can be determined at times, but I guess some would call it stubborn. Sometimes He has to not only slow us down, but at times He literally stops us in our tracks and makes us look up when we can no longer see Him. That's exactly what He did to me. He shook me to my core and humbled me into a spirit of knowing that I cannot do everything by myself. I took the "S" off my chest and just stopped. I was angry as the stripping and purging began. I felt forsaken and abandoned. At this point, I resented the fact that both my parents were gone. I resented being a single parent. I absolutely resented not having a mate to share some of the responsibility that had been placed on me. I was just done. On top of all of this, I was angry that as hard as I work, nothing seemed like it was coming together fast enough or in the way that I planned. Then, I picked up a nasty cold from somewhere, so my energy was low. I was forced to take some time off work, lay in the bed, replenish my body, and do some quick soul searching. God has a way of sending you those guardian angels that He assigns to you to absolutely get on your nerves when you don't want to hear those things that you already know. I didn't even want to look at my own website which I know for sure is a beautiful body of my own work that God led me to create for a specific purpose. Sometimes the beauty of things falling apart is watching them miraculously come back together when God requires some time with you and you give it to Him. At that point I had to stop the tantrum and thank Him for reminding me of all that He's done in my life and the purpose for the "No's" and the "Not Now's". Things in life will never be perfect, but they work out the way they are supposed to. Even through my stubborn behavior, God never left me. He heard my cry and He saw my pain. More importantly, He knows my struggle, my desires and my motivation. He also knows each and everyone of my faults and loves me in spite of all of them. He dispatches my angels when my wings are broken and He protects me in the elements when I step out into the darkness unguarded. As unconventional as it may seem, I do thank God for the good, bad and the ugly! Even when things get ugly, He makes them beautiful. Always remember, His love is infinite!!!
Deuteronomy 7:8 But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt.
Deuteronomy 7:8 But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt.